A full moon lesson with grief, anger, and astral connections in the snow.
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Speed Limits
Last year, a friend told me an interesting fact. The gist of it: humans haven’t evolved enough to be biologically comfortable driving over 30 mph. While airplanes fly at a much faster speed, we don’t see clouds fly past us as we do trees, people and buildings when we are in a car. Basically, regular amounts of high-speed driving triggers primal fear alerts and can cause fatigue, physical tension, and emotional stress.
This made total sense to me, so I didn’t fact check it before believing it.
Just the thought of my weekday commute made my heart race. If I left my house by 7 am and took the quickest route (the 10E to the 110S to the 91E), I would avoid traffic. Awesome. But not really because that would mean that I would start my work day at a ripe 7:28 am. Yet, if I waited until 7:01 am or later and took the same freeways, I would have to deal with brake-gas-brake driving for 45 to 60 minutes.
People love to complain about LA traffic - especially those who don’t live in Los Angeles. Oddly, even after almost 10 years, the traffic has never really been the issue for me. Instead, it’s the drivers that have led me to spin myself into a wild, irrational tizzy.
Drivers who don’t look before they change lanes or use their turn signals. Drivers who tail you even when there’s a mile-long traffic jam. Drivers who cruise at dangerously s-l-o-w speeds…in the carpool lane. Drivers who go 10 miles s l o w e r than the flow of traffic and are STARING AT THIR PHONES while driving in the left lane of a 5-lane freeway!
This fiery rage inspired me to “draft” (aka yell angry voice memos at Siri) a hypothetical OpEd piece for the LA Times that would “educate” these recklessly selfish drivers who needed a few lessons on civilized order and road ettiquette. Pass on the left, go with the flow of traffic, use your turn signals, and don’t touch your brakes unless you absolutely have to stop. To make matters worse, this was also a time that I used to catch up on all the news and commentaries about crime, climate change, politics and everything wrong in our world.
It may come as a surprise, but this problem didn’t actually start with LA motorists. It’s a sad fact, but I’ve had issues with semi-truckers, minivans, mopeds, Uhauls, porsches, priuses, Fords and Hondas from sea to shining sea. There was one time, in my mid-20s when I was driving across country by myself and I come upon a conversion van, full of men. I had been the bigger person, when I didn’t tail them during the 30 minutes they steadily drove the same speed at the other car in our two lanes going one way. When they finally passed, on their own time, I regretfully honked at them as I passed. And, not the “oh-hey-i’m-being-polite” kind of short honk, but rather the “f-you-and-f-everyone-in-a-50-mile-radius-because-i’m-insane-with-rage” kind of long honk. I threw in some hand gestures that were more passive-aggressive than overtly angry, which only made me look crazier. I wish the story stopped here. But, it doesn’t.
The van full of men chased me for 4 miles, going 90-100 mph. Panicked and terrified, I was grateful when we flew past a patrol car. Pulling us both over, we were stuck there for an hour as the county officer took statements from both of cars. While I was grateful he didn’t ticket me, I was much more grateful that he had safely stopped a potentially catastrophic event from happening.
This event was jarring. So jarring it was something I talking about in therapy. I’ve never been an angry or rash person, yet the road was a place that took over my rational thinking. The therapist’s words stuck with me throughout the years, “Can you try to just follow along? Allow yourself the freedom to not have to lead or teach anyone on the road? It may be liberating for you.”
Then I moved back to Los Angeles.
So when my friend shared this scientific “fact” (I’ve had a hard time finding the support material on this), my brain was like, “yes, we already have a gigantic file on that!”
I began asking myself, why am I so tense? Because I was anxious. I wanted to get from point A to B as fast as I could, so I could be done with driving. I was also nervous that I hadn’t checked my emails or responded to a missed call. Additionally, I was resentful that I had accounted for 20 minutes to prep for a meeting, but that slowdown had stolen it from me. And then I was feeling guilty for not prepping yesterday. Ugh. And what about the news? That opioid epidemic story was overwhelming. What about that Michael Cohen interview? All the school shootings, xenophobia, misunderstandings and white men making all the decisions. How am I not having a panic attack?
It was as if I floating outside my body and not in control of anything, a perfect state of mind for someone operating a large weapon.
Then it hit me, just like that 25-year-old driver who allegedly intentionally hit another car because the car had a Donald Trump bumper sticker.
You know that saying, about throwing stones and glass houses? I felt like I was guilty of so much hypocrisy.
I needed to change. ASAP. Obviously, I couldn’t just not drive to work, but what if I changed my route and slowed down?
As an experiment, I told myself that for1 month, I would let go of caring about how much time it took me to get to work. I wanted to treat my morning commute like I treated leisurely road trips, listening to music that made me happy and keeping my eyes peeled for photo ops.
During that month, I calmly coasted past trees, shops, schools, churches and people at a speed that felt innately comfortable. Yielding to bicyclists, eager students and hurried pedestrians, my eyes were met with so many people who were starting their days, just like me. This scenic route, through South Central Los Angeles and Compton, had me hoping for traffic jams and red lights. Not only did I capture ordinary, yet spectacular snapshots of people, but I shared countless smiles and many pleasant greetings.
Sharing a city with more than 4 million people can unfortunately make strangers feel like obstacles, rather than other humans. While it is a very primal instinct for us to be wary, competitive or unforgiving to strangers, that doesn’t mean it’s okay. These strangers, who we have unconsciously labeled as enemies, are experiencing all of life’s challenges. Grieving over the death of a loved one, raising children as single parent, moving to a new state or country where they don’t have anyone to trust, getting diagnosed with a severe health condition or being laid off.
Life is heavy and we are all traveling at biologically unnatural speeds. Perhaps, if we put our mind to it, we can be a bit more evolved than our archaic ancestors.
Driving (and anger) issues come in all shapes and sizes. And they don’t actually get resolved by taking a leisurely drive to work. While meditation, mindfulness and empathy certainly help chill out reactionary behavior, understanding how and why these impulses occur are key to ending meltdowns for good. Here are a few items that I liked:
Invisibilia podcast episodes Entanglement, True You, Future Self, Reality, The Pattern Problem…(and so many others)
HOW NOT TO BE SWEPT UP IN DRIVING ANGER via The Daily Mail
– Watch out for the illusion of control. Remember the old saying, 80 per cent of drivers believe their driving skills are above average – a statistical impossibility
– Remember our common humanity – everyone on the road, ourselves included, are merely human beings with good bits and not so good bits trying to do the best they can. We are all in this traffic together and it can be frustrating for us all
– Consider other drivers might not be malicious – we often jump to conclusions about other drivers and assume they do things on the road to affect us personally. Usually, the person’s actions are caused by benign motivations
– Avoid blame and punishment, and be forgiving – we can accept that negative events happen and that as human beings we all make mistakes. Maybe they were distracted in that moment, maybe they are in a hurry, maybe it was just a case of human error, which we’re all guilty of
– Let go of the struggle – red lights, traffic, delays, inconsiderate drivers – struggling with any of it will only make matters worse for you. We can accept and tolerate the inevitable frustration and provocation
– Breathe – slow it down, find a way to breathe that soothes you such as finding a slow, controlled rhythm, and reduce the physiological arousal associated with anger
– Speak to yourself in a friendly voice, with reassurance and validation. ‘Oh, that was a close call. You’re safe and all is OK. That person made a mistake, and we all make mistakes’
– Focus your attention on safe, calm driving, ensuring you get yourself to your destination safely and without incident
Capturing the Realities of Parenthood + Free Photo Session Offer
If you're a parent, chances are that you've been told to appreciate every moment because kids grow up too quickly.
Depending on where you are, this advice can be hard to swallow. Especially if you’re in the throes of nighttime feedings, sleep schedules, potty training and endless loads of laundry.
This past summer, I took a week off work to help two of my best friends who both needed a little extra help with their families.
I mistakenly confused this as a staycation pour moi. A week away from the office would surely give me the chance to catch up on work, work out every day, prepare healthy food, and live my best "mom" life with coffee in hand.
That slight misunderstanding was corrected on Day 1, when I learned that hot coffee is not baby safe and me is a toddler-only kind of word.
Now I love my friends’ children as if they were my own. They are the sweetest, smartest, most charming and beautiful natural disasters I’ve ever known. That said, these unstoppable tornadoes that swirl through neatly-folded laundry stacks with food-gritty finger and wildfires that jump from furniture are in constant need of emergency support.
Being a constant rescue squad is beyond EXHAUSTING, disgustingly messy and sometimes very dangerous.
Parenting Is Not Pretty. Or Is It?
The reality is that raising children, being a good partner, and showing up for your family in all kinds of ways, EVERY DAY, can feel a bit repetitive and also overwhelming. From preventing crises to being the sanitation crew, it’s probably difficult to see how you and your daily life could be photographically beautiful - without a set designer, stylist, hair and makeup team and a flaw-fixing post-production expert.
Understandably, this may be a reason why the term “candid photography” has gotten a little skewed by the family photo biz. See not many families actually want candid family portraits. Sure, they don’t want a generic studio backdrop or maybe they don’t want to be looking directly at the lens, but they still want to be posed, directed and for their hair flyaways (and double chins) to be “photoshopped.”
After that one week that I spent on the front lines, I completely understand why a photograph of a well-dressed, smiling family in a crisp autumn scene is certainly a fitting trophy to hang on a wall; a reward for all the unsightly duties and hard work. A flawless snapshot to remind one of how beautiful their life is, as they wonder when was the last time they showered?
But what about that flawed, sometimes smelly reality? The yoga pants that you’ve worn for 3 days straight, your toddler’s unbrushed hair that has dried Mac & Cheese in it, and the old couch that you hate, but won’t replace until your kids are older and less prone to spills?
How can we find the reward in that photograph as well?
So Soon You Forget.
Just as your little newborn grows into a baby, then a toddler, then a first-grader and then a…high-schooler right before your eyes, you realize exactly how quick they (and you) grow up. You can hear the irony in your voice as you retell that same phrase to new parents, that had once made you want to scream.
This is when the wisdom really kicks in and you stop yourself from wishing your teenager, who just got suspended for a stupid prank, to grow up faster.
Every stage has its unique nuances, crazy moments and different routines and those all create your family’s history. In fact, there will be so many of these, that one day you won’t even be able to remember all of them.
A kitchen table with kids doing homework as a dad cooks dinner in his boxers, a family packed in the car heading to a soccer tournament, or a mom playing video games on the floor with her son. The overly worn jeans, the favorite baseball hats, the pacifier obsessions, or the lego pieces that are constantly causing foot pain. What about the neighborhood friends who are always over, movie and popcorn nights in bed or lazy Sunday mornings that last until nap-time?
It’s boggling to think that behaviors so ingrained in your regular life today, will eventually become distant memories tomorrow.
The Bigger Picture.
Though time does not stop, it is not impossible to capture those momentary rainbows that quickly pop up, in between all the flash storms. To me, these are the scenes that are most precious, fleeting and deserving of high-quality preservation.
A few years ago, when our political landscape shifted and fake news began to buzz around, I couldn’t help but wonder if something, ever so small, like a perfect family photo could somehow be connected.
While this is just one tiny trend, I still believe that it carries a tremendous amount of influence - both culturally and personally.
I’ve unfortunately witnessed a horrifying amount of bullying, competition, judgements and critical assumptions between from PARENTS.
Even without being a parent, I’ve hypocritically sold my own fake news, while also scoffing at another person’s perfect Instagram feed.
It’s so easy to fall prey to it.
However, I want to try and change that. I want to help parents feel beautiful in their reality and proud of where their family is right now - whether they are in the midst of a severe ice storm or witnessing a rainbow. These are the moments that make a parent and a child who they are and I want to photograph them - for free.
What’s the catch? There’s always a catch.
No catch!
If you are a parent and open to allowing me to photograph your family candidly for a few hours, I would be honored to do this for free in 2019.
You will be given all the final images for free. Though, I will ask you to sign a release, allowing your participation in this photography series on family realities.
So, if you’re interested in taking a stand against fake news and doing something to promote a positive shift within your family AND community, contact me and I would love to chat!